Accepting Unfairness
by FlashOfInspiration
Summary: Some of Kathryn's thoughts and feelings on her and Chakotay being "rescued" from New Earth


_"The only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair."  
Dr. Steve Marboli_

It was unfair. It was so unfair, she almost couldn't stand it. She had been getting used to life on New Earth. She had even begun to look forward to it! Here, the hardest decisions she had to make were what vegetables and fruits to plant, and what part of the area she wanted to walk to that day. Despite her longing for Voyager and her crew, and her constant concern over the progress, Kathryn had been beginning to let go of her responsibilities and shed her Captain persona. The virus didn't harm them on the planet, and she and Chakotay were healthy otherwise, and free to enjoy everything their position now had to offer. They had air and water and sunlight and grass. Kathryn was thoroughly enjoying mucking about in the garden, feeling the soil between her fingers, and the grass between her toes. And she was amazed and excited to see the progress of her plants every day.

And then there was Chakotay. Chakotay who was far more accepting of things than her, a man who lived more in the moment than in the past. He had realized early on that fighting their situation was useless, but he had not rushed her into his acceptance. Kathryn had been grateful for that. He had not withheld his opinions from her, but he hadn't pushed them on her either. He let her recognize this chance for a new life (together) on her own. And she had just been beginning to. She was coming to realize just how much Chakotay's gestures meant, both to him and to her. After the story of the angry warrior, something had shifted within her. Of course her loss was doubly painful, as she had to give up both Voyager and her family there as well as any hope of ever returning to Earth…and Mark. It was because of him, and because of her rank that she had kept herself aloof from Chakotay while in the Delta Quadrant. But then when it became unlikely that they would ever leave it….Well Kathryn began to think about the possibility of a future on New Earth, and with Chakotay. She already trusted him with her life. She was also beginning to trust him with her heart.

She should have known that her crew was tenacious and fought against all odds; she had taught them well. Even though she had given strict orders to leave her and Chakotay behind, they had not listened. And while the Starfleet part of Kathryn thrilled at being able to get back to her life as a star ship captain, and her role as an explorer, the part of her that was not Starfleet, and just a normal woman, was struck by the unfairness of it all. She didn't want to put on the uniform again and step into the role of Captain Janeway. She had enjoyed simply being a woman again. Now, to go back…it would take a lot, more than Kathryn suspected anyone realized. Because while they had held out hope that they could find a cure for Kathryn and Chakotay, the couple on New Earth had slowly been letting go.

Standing in front of the tomato plants she would never see grow now, Kathryn had to tamp down her anguish. It was foolish to be so upset when a cure and a rescue was all she had wanted for so many weeks. But her feelings could not be ignored or fully controlled. Taking a deep, shaky breath, Kathryn prepared to resign herself to becoming Captain again. No more dresses, or letting her hair down, or walking around barefoot, or playing in the dirt. No more walking by the river at sunset with Chakotay. No more baths in the moonlight. No more of Chakotay's deep voice speaking to her about plans for the future—their future. It was almost impossible to bear. It made Kathryn rail at the universe, and wonder if her life was not just some cosmic joke. If it was, she wasn't laughing. She hated having to lock her heart back up in a box, and ignore any hopes for her own future when she now had the futures of so many others to worry about again.

She was glad to see the primate again, if only to take her mind for a moment away from what was about to happen. But when she turned back to Chakotay and they shared that look….It spoke of so much, though no words passed their lips. "I would have stayed with you forever," drifted unsaid between them, without any irony that they were the only two people on the planet. Because they would have needed only each other. Chakotay knew it and Kathryn was starting to. But that future, and who they might have become was all over now. And that last lingering look, full of promises, and an impossible future, was all they had.

"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up."


End file.
